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[23 Apr 2007|10:44pm] |
i wish i could know everything. everything everything.
i try to know everything but people get mad.
thats because usually the things i find out are things that are not good and are attempted to be hidden.
i just. don't. get it.
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[18 Feb 2007|09:09pm] |
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It's funny how people treat you when their friends are all in relationships and they aren't versus when all their friends miraculously become single. And not funny "ha ha".
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[02 Feb 2007|01:21am] |
Contrary to what I thought in September, San Diego is actually an awesome city - it just takes some time and energy to really see it for what it is. Aside from the beaches, which of course are very appealing and beautiful, there are so many neighborhoods full of character that i've fallen in love with. So now i find myself staying away from my apartment for as many hours as possible to explore san diego and possibly fall more in love with it, so that if things work out in a certain way, I won't feel the pressure to move home and relive what I will call "hell month".
This means putting school and 4.0 GPA on a backburner in order to rally up my time to spend with the people here who I contently brushed aside last semester when I had all sorts of priorities delusioning my decisions. Too many times I was invited out and didn't go, and now I do regret it, however most people continue to invite me out to play so this is all good. In addition, my free day-time is spent at various cafes spread throughout the city's neighborhoods, where I've begun to meet some cool people.
So heres to less school more social and no more being sad over things I cannot possibly control. ;( I feel sad for reasons not related to San Diego and realize that if I was back East I would probably feel more alone there then here, so this city will not take the brunt of my hurting. I need some safe haven.
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[21 Sep 2006|10:07pm] |
dear whoever in new york city believes that they want to move:
DONT.
i did it for you
i miss it badly
and
i want to come home.
see? now you dont have to do all that.
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[23 Mar 2006|08:53pm] |
today i woke up and decided i had no good reason to not move to san diego
beautiful weather, beaches, sun. id have to restart in ny when my friends all leave anyways, right?
so i began mentioning it to people. well, first i had a panic attack - it was not good business, and THEN i got over it and started to talk about it.
friends all say that i shouldn't go because they will miss me hardcore, but that i should go because they would have to visit me in a gorgeous city.
people who i intern with, first and foremost needed to know if i was "comitted" and dating someone. once they heard no, THEN they started gushing how its a fabulous opportunity, im young, the west has great programs, and i should absolutely go.
my respected professors who wrote me reccs, etc., said that it must be awful to have to make such a horrible decision (joking), and that of course they would like me to stay at nyu - but that this school is located in a gorgeous city, has great facilities and well-known faculty, and is the only school offering me money and a ga position. they vote - go, and come back to nyu for my phd.
my sister says that she thinks i wouldnt be happy at columbia, that id be disappointed after going to nyu. and that ive always talked about california, and that if i want to go, i should go.
then theres my mom. mom "supports whatever i choose to do". wont give me her opinion, says she knows ill do well wherever i go, that ill make friends, etc. however, her sticking point that she keeps bringing up is - will i be bored out there? because its no new york city. and that i always say that i could never live not in new york city because id be bored. but that im only a plane ride away, and even though itll break her heart and she'll miss me a lot, that if its what i really want to do, i should just do it. that she just fears ill never come back again.
blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh. i dunno, i just have no idea. can i get a sign? if thers like, a minor tremor in san diego in the next week, one that doesnt injury anyone or anything, ill take that as a new. and if in new york, we go to like, orange alert and terrorist roam free, or a boy breaks my heart forever, then ill take that as a sign. ok? ready, GO.
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[22 Mar 2006|08:17pm] |
so
i got into nyu, hunter, brooklyn and san diego state so far for grad schools. im waiting on columbia, really, and montclair - but thats not so much of an option.
san diego is the only school that offered me anything more than admission. they offered me half my tuition free, put me on the waitlist to recieve full tuition free, then offered me a GA position (they will PAY ME to go there and work, werd). they are also REALLY FAR AWAY by a beautiful beach.
i wish they didn't accept me.
i wish i didn't visit last year an fall in love with it.
i wish i had a GOOD reason not to go.
im fifty percent leaning to going. i dont know if i want to go to columbia, im not even in. but, columbia is columbia. but its expensive and balhbalbhalbha. hunters good too, but, its still the same decision. do i want to continue in nyc or move on for 2 years, try another life??
FUCK FUCK FUCK
i need a psychic adviserrrrr
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[22 Nov 2005|01:03am] |
imgettingfatimgettingfatimgettingfat
no more cookies. ;/
my jeans dont fit me
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[29 Sep 2005|02:54am] |
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yesterday i was not okay. i had a fuckedup relapse, or something that happens to crazy people. because today i am okay, i am rational. it was just yesterday... this shit creeps up on me and i just can't handle it. OK tho!
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| klsaj |
[27 Sep 2005|10:57pm] |
so i just need a quick outlet so i dont have to scream into a pillow
i was going to say i dont remember thelast time i felt so not right, but i do. this is a different feeling of not goodness, and im not sure if its better or worse. better actually, bc i CAN control it if i get over myself.
im at the point where i just wanna say fuck school and all that shit, ill happy reform and be a 50's housewive, cook all day to please my husband and serve my kids. thats an easy life.
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[16 Sep 2005|12:21am] |
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had a really good and fun and social drinking night for his roomates birthday. like tons of fun. then i go home and he comes up with me to pick up his stuff and its like the platonic talk never happened, and passive aggressive shit pops up and i shoot down. what. the fuck. we had fun tonite, can't we just leave it at that? LIJFSDL:KJFSLK: iwanna hang out but thats IT rightttt noowwww.
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| FUCCK |
[11 Sep 2005|02:28pm] |
FUCK. I am admitting it right now, I am in over my head. In so many areas. I am so stressed that I sometimes feel thoughts are swirling in my head and I just cannot catch my breath. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed, to the point where I don't know where to start or how to start and finish everything that I want to do. As a result I am eating more and becoming more angry at myself for not appearing the way I want to, however the thought of going to the gym while I have so many other things to do makes me nervous and so I don't go. Instead, I attempt homework. But then I think of the GREs and gathering and starting applications, my personal essay, etc. and I think I want to crawl into bed and not deal with anything.
But I can't do it. Because it is ME whose making me want to do all these things sucessfully, and it is MY goals that I want to reach, so I can't throw them out or let anything take a backseat, because if I do anything halfassed then I deserve the bad results and I cannot handle that. So i'll push myself further, of my own doing. And I think I am absolutely driving myself insane. I can't think about anything else but all the things I have to do. And I can't cry over it, just shake over it. I'm a mess.
Las nite it was all I could think about, and the night before that, and before that, and so on. So I can go out and have a good time but about .3 centimeters behind that goodtime is me FREAKING OUT ABOUT LIFE.
I know I probably need to be slightly medicated when I get like this, but I don't want to give in to that. I rather find my own way through this mess. But... I think that requires focusing, which is what I'm trying to sort out right now, right here.
I spent all the money I made this week. I made a lot this week. This basically shows how I'm letting go... not focusing on other important things, like money. Just throwing it all to the wolves to buy ridiculous things that if I stopped and thought about I would wait on... and going out to eat and drink every night, just trying to avoid all the shit that's left waiting for me.
I really need to spend the next month not going out, not having a good time, focusing my energies on whats "important". But I think that being happy and care-free is important too.... I don't know what to do. I want it to be May, I want to have gotten through all this.
I want to be in part C.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
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[10 Sep 2005|01:31pm] |
So I'm already in for the nite, but thats because I've exhausted myself thoroughly. UHmmmmmmmmmm so I didn't go to the gym, as expected, but when tryin to read teh 450 page book for school Ip assed out.... but forgot that I had made plans to meet Marc & see his friend's band play........ so I was late for that. Whoops. And I had an empty stomach and a drink minimum, so a few rum&cokes later and I'm a bit drunk. We then walked and got some nice yummy outdoor dinner before meeting up with Mike to head to Alison's party. And blahblahblah it was good&fun&dranksangria&metweirdcokedoutpeople&yeah. Then they were going to Misshapes to see Gwen Stefani play music and i did noooooot want to be near a thousand million people who think they are cooler then paris hilton so Marc & I went to a bar & got food.
And that was fun&fine because I wasn't up for being crazy this weekend, and I learned all about how he went to Penn, but got into Princeton and just didn't like the vibe. Yeah, smartypants.
It seems I'm really good at digging myself into boy-holes.
It a sick game.
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[10 Sep 2005|03:07am] |
So why is it that all boys who I hang out with feel the need to let me know (or remind me) that they are not big eaters? Honestly! Because we all know I am, so they need to warn me? I'm not a big drinker but I still go out with alcoholics. Whatevaaaa!
MMMMMMMMMMMMM last nite was good. I double booked myself, Mike ended up stayin in NYC but I had plans with Marc so that woulda been weird. Marc came down and we got me some food (of course) and then met my friends at Michelle's bar for drinks. I swear I can devour a cake but when it comes to drinking a Martini I need a good hour.
Went to brunch with Mike&Alison at this cute place on Ludlow, so that's set me up good for awhile. I need to go to the gym today (or I'll die) & then start reading my 450 book that has a 6 page paper due on Thursday , go figure. Grad apps & GREs - maybe next weekend.
Tonite, party at Alisons and then?????????
Considering its already almost 3:30 I'd say I'm sufficiently fucked for my daily plans, whatever.
Someone motivate me to go to the gym please? I just want to go back to bed.
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| OH YEAH |
[08 Sep 2005|12:57pm] |
Tonite. I also learned the man groupsing that boys put girls in: 1. Hot, 2. Cute-Hot, 3. Cute , and then I forget the rest. There are like, subdivisions of thsoe. I also found out where I was grouped, although I didn't want to knwo (notbad). ALSO, boys notice weird things. Aside from white teeth, he said somethin like "you have nice legs, your thighs dont touch - theres a gap there". Liek, I thought only girls noticed these thigns/!?!?!?!
OK!
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| DRUNK! |
[08 Sep 2005|12:32pm] |
SO. Today I had internship (but it was cancled) and work and Anthony called - I start next week - and then 2 classes. Alaina switched into my first class which made me so happy even though that class BLOWS! Second class is my TV class which they played a movie and everyone left, 3 hours early, so I did too - but I took lots of candy with me.
Then I came home and got dressed into my new boots and they lookt kuhhyute as fuck. So then Mike finally got off work atl ike 8:00 pm!!! So we met and got Mexican for dinner, well id id, he got some weird food sandwhich. And i drank sangira. Then we went to my nekc of the woods and barsearched and found a bar that he liked and we got the king&queen booth, which is my fave. And they played good music and had a big screen where 1950's porn & horrr movies played in the backround. Yup. So we kicked back a few more driniks (rum n coke for me). Andd yea, I actually had a really good time even though I expected I wouldnt, which is good.
He brought up the thing I said to his roomate. I knew he would, hes open about EVERYTHING. So we talked about like.. how I felt we jumped into things too fast and blahblahblah and he agreed and we said we'd play it by ear (like i suggested 2 weeks ago when i came in to hang out). But after the convo the nite went good, well, as the drinks came in too. So we'll just see. He's in & out of ny every week to finish up his semester in albany and work here sooooooo. Yeah, we'll hang when we can.
So the nite was good. My boots made me happy. And now I have serious things to deal with!
And tomorrow will be long & sad :( I hate Fridays! Thurs&Sat4Life!
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[07 Sep 2005|11:49am] |
PS: It's been said many a times, but I think now is as good as any time to throw in my two-sense
BUSH SUCKS.
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[07 Sep 2005|11:46am] |
Tomorrow = Day 2 (3) of classes. This week is off. I thoroughly managed to unpack all my shit and make my room as homey and comfy as ever - the thought (and reality) of having to move out of here in June, even if to another apartment in nyc, is enough to make me feel like I will vomit.
I also managed to avoid certain-boy-interaction this weekend because I spilled the beans to the friend about how I'm feeling and I now feel quite guilty. I mean, can't we just be friends? When have I ever been the male in a relationship? It's not a good thing, but its discretion at it's finest. I sorta flaked on hanging out Sunday night, but I had had a long day and just didn't want to deal with that situation that the time... We may be going out tomorrow nite. Whatever, theres other shit going down anyhow.
Mmm.. I'm broker than I have been in three years, I think I was this broke freshman year. So that sort of blows. I bought my new digital camera, which is beautiful and very expensive but I'm in love with it, so it's okay:
UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I can't function. I went to the gym for the first time in years today, I never felt so out of shape - and I only ran for 45 minutes. So that's gotta start up, while I stop eating like a pregnant teenager.
And that basically sums up my nite. Oh, and Marc introduced me to this band "Maximo Park" which I really like, as he correctly assumed I would because of my love for Bloc Party & more importantly, The Libertines. So we're going to go see them in a few weeks at the bowery. OH and also, the CBGB free bouncing souls show really made me happy last Thursday. I totally walked into wsp and wasn't expecting it! They always bring me out smiling!
Wow, this is lame. I should have talked to a wall because the past 2 days weren't worth updating over. Sorry!
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| Back in NYC! |
[01 Sep 2005|10:31am] |
Back in da city... tons of summer photos that I have not uploaded and probably will not - come see my real photo album if you're actually curious.
I got A's in both of my summer classes, thank God... but now this is my last week before school starts. Let's behold my schedule this semester, that will make me want to die and/or become an alcoholic.
Monday:
8:30 - 3:00 Student Therapying
3:30 - 4:30 Work
4:55 - 6:35 Stud. Ther. Class
Tuesday:
8:30 - 3:00 Student Therapying
3:30 - 4:45 Dis. Class
Wednesday:
8:30 - 3:00 Student Therapying
3:30 - 6:00 Work
Thursday:
10:00 - 12:00 Volunteer/Intern at NYEE
12:30 - 3:00 Work
3:30 - 4:45 Dis. Class
4:55 - 7:35 TV & Info Class
Friday:
9:30 - 1:30 Work
2:30 - 8:00 Babysit
10:00 - 5:00 BARS
ADDITIONALLY: Study & Take GREs, muster courage to ask teachers for recommendations, put together grad school apps & send them away.
So I can't wait for everyone to get back to new york and play with me, but I really can't wait until January. When I can breathe again. Heres to a high-stress semester.
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[21 Jul 2005|12:26am] |
NOT JOKING, my roomate tried to kill me tonite. Everyone.
Rewind the rest of my day.
Last nite we went to see Andrew Lloyd Webber's "The Woman in White" - it was realllly good, one of the best plays i've seen - and that says a lot because I tend to hate plays. The backgrounds & props were all digitalized and sooo amazing. It got out late which is why Alaina I decided to pay 10 pounds for a cab home (we swiped to go on the subway but I swear to you ther emust have been about THOUSANDS of people bottlenecking to get into the station onto the one line runnning, I was so overwhelmed and feared suffocating, so that even after we paid for the train, we left to get the taxi. Not before we tried to walk home and get directions and were told it was a good three miles. Whoops, better safe than sorry, no?
Then we had to work on our project that was due this morning - we were up until about 2:30 a.m. and then up at 7:30 this morning (this was how we slept the night before because of a midterm exam yesterday). Today's presentation went pretty well we think, and I think I did well on the exam yesterday too...
I'm not sure I've ever been on overdrive this long before, but aside from a few brain farts I'm functioning well (yesterday we typed up something for our presentation and then I forgot to send it to us to finish at home -- so we assumed it was done and went to retrieve it this morning, but apparantly I didn't save it after all. stuff like that).
Soooo yes then today I came home & napped and took a walk, then Alaina & I went out for drinks and laughed our asses off as usual... thenn we went to a party downstairs where I left because I want good sleep tonite. However Alaina is there, which leads me to the how she tried to kill everyone thing. Right now its 12:30. We left probably about 3 hours ago. I come into my room - 12:30 - and smell something burning. I walk over to her bed and see her STRAIGHTENING IRON IS STILL ON AND BURNED THROUGH HER SHEETS. We almost died, if I stayed at the party, we would have had a fire. YUP. She's still at that party and has nooo idea, the little mc drunky girl she is.
Ok, sleep. Sleep. Sleep.
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| ps! |
[18 Jul 2005|04:31pm] |
Forgot to add that on Friday we went to Oxford University, as a class. When we got there they gave us our room assignments, as we were going to be staying over night at the college. Everyone goes and gets their keys, and then the guides (RA's?) tell us that they are going to take us to our rooms according to which hall we are in on the quad. Everyone goes to the "WH" group - except me and two other girls. GREAT, but okay - I could deal with being roomates with 2 other girls in a different building, just as long as i wasn't entirely alone. Besides, it was just sleeping, right?
Well, the guide took us up this twisty staircase to a floor, and asked what rooms we were in. The two other girls were in rooms right next to one another (so I guess we weren't sharing rooms, odd). She then told me to follow her, away from there rooms, down the hall, up two more flights of scary twisty staircase, down another hall, into a bedroom at the end of a hall. KILL ME. It was like I was at the DUNGEON TOWER all by myself in this haunted-esque (800+ year old) building. I almost peed in my pants. There was no way I was sleeping there.
That's the story. The end. APPARANTLY all the OTHER GIRLS each had two beds in their rooms EACH!? So I ended up bunking in Alaina's room so that I didn't cry myself to sleep in the haunted prison tower.
Oxford itself was pretty, old, quite beautiful (and strict and oldschool). I could never have gone there, its so un-modernized. However aside from lots of shopping, we did go to this awesome bar ("Turf Bar"?) which was behind old buildings and down alley ways. It was sooo awesome, like out of the hobbit or something. However it was real busy so after a drink we bounced . . .
and where did we bounce to? Well, aside from 3 more bars, we bounced to the Harry Potter Release Party in Oxford at the oldest bookstore in the UK I think (?). SOOO many little kiddies out, and witches juggling fire, and real live owls! PLUS they were giving out free candy! It was definetly exciting - even though I didn't buy my adult U.K. edition until the following day.
So yeah, that was Friday.
Saturday shopped at Portobello Market, where I decided I liked Camden Market better, and that I am spending way too much money. (Friday bought a vest jacket & a tank top; Saturday bought a new purse & a vespa t-shirt; not to mention other things i've bought like a new watch, a new jacket, two tops, and I'm sure there are more things... PLUS all the small craps like magazines and candy - aside from meals. Yeah.... I'm a foooooool with money).
Okay, honestly, back to studying.
Or else.
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